What’s just as bad as you getting dumped?  Your friend getting dumped—especially around the holidays.  It’s a heartache that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  It happened to me before — I was planning to visit his family for Christmas and two days prior he left me a voice message saying it was over.  Two things really sucked about that scenario, for one I thought this was the guy I’d marry and two, I didn’t get a gift receipt for his overpriced genuine red leather coat.  I was blown and ready to retaliate.  I digress.

I guess I’m not completely over it.  It took time and friends to help me heal.  So I understand the position that Khadijah and Synclaire are in.  They have been walking around the office trying to figure out how to cheer up Kyle.  After getting hooked up with a Flavor co-worker, Kyle got dumped after learning she found out he was falling too fast.  Poor Kyle.  It goes to show you that even a strong-minded, money-making, overly-confident man can be softened by the blow of love. 

So what should you do as a friend?  Be supportive, be patient but don’t be an enabler.  It will take time for your friend to completely bounce back from a failed relationship but don’t allow them to use that as an excuse to bury themselves in depression.  Take them out but don’t force the next love interest on them.  We all know that the rebound man/woman never lasts.

It’s a tough position to be in as a friend, especially if your love life is booming.  But remember, we’ve all been there.  We’ve all been the dumper and we’ve all been the dumpee.

Just think, at least you aren’t hoping you’re next love interest will be able to fit a red leather coat.

Have you ever been in this position?  Tell us here.

Relationships can be tricky and there’s a thin line between finding the right balance for them.  That’s what I realized when Synclaire told me that things went wrong while the gang was playing a friendly game of Truth or Dare.  It turns out that Kyle has been saying “innocent but truthful” things behind Overton’s back and Overton’s feelings were hurt.

What are innocent but truthful things?  You may not realize it, but you’ve been there and done it.  For instance, when Khadijah walked in the other day with a blazer that had shoulder pads that made her look tougher than the New York linebackers, I told her it looked good on her when she begged me to admit it.  Was I wrong?

Well for one thing, she signs my check and telling her how horrible she looks could affect my being able to pay my bills.  Secondly, if she feels good in it, no matter how much I hate it, I should support her.

I think if you enter a friendship being in-your-face honest then you can always be that way, as long as you aren’t hurting feelings.  But nine times out of ten, most friends find themselves having to stretch the truth to protect a person that they really care about.  You can only hope that the truth never surfaces.

The good thing about friends is that as long as it’s not life threatening, changing or defining—you’ll quickly make up. 

Do you have a hard time being honest with your friends?  Tell us here.

So your friend is drinking and gambling, huh?  I have a friend who does the same thing. Actually, it was my boss, Khadija. A few weeks ago she missed a few days of work after a weekend of gambling and drinking…she wasn’t even a gambler! Turns out that after winning a few times playing craps, they kept bringing her drinks.  She kept winning, kept drinking, and eventually lost all her winnings!  She was sick over losing all that money…and also had a hangover on Monday.

So what’s the big deal?!  Drinking is cool if you’re not drunk, and gambling is cool as long as you are winning, right?  The problem is that when you do both together, it’s a lethal combination.  That’s exactly why drinks at the casino are free!

I’m sure you wouldn’t have written unless your friend’s drinking and gambling had gotten out of hand.  You gotta pump your friend’s brakes for her. She can either drink or gamble, but not both! Help her set limits that are reasonable and monitor them. Make sure that if she is drinking there is a designated driver, and if possible, make her the designated driver so she CAN’T drink!
 
If your friend is going to gamble, let her start with a set amount and win what she can, but at the point where she is back down to what she started with, she needs to stop.  Hopefully you can monitor her and she can stay in line with the guidelines.
 
If you think that your friend has a drinking or gambling problem, you should probably seek help for her through Alcoholics or Gamblers Anonymous.  Hopefully it’s not that serious, but if it is, make sure you take it seriously!

Do you have friends who drink and gamble?

You’ve heard the old saying “don’t mix business and friends,” but what about family? At first I thought it was OK for family members to work together but then I thought about what happened when Tina worked for Ike and I realized that it’s a formula for disaster. That’s what I told Synclaire when she first started working as a receptionist here at Flavor.

Needless to say, she’s been at the same desk in the same position since Khadijah gave her a job, months ago. I can admit, Synclaire isn’t always playing with a full deck of cards but Khadijah doesn’t even consider training her so that she can perform better. So to my surprise Synclaire walked out on Khadijah and the office has been chattering since.

It seems natural to want to rescue a family member but you should also have an exit plan mapped out. If Khadijah had no intentions of promoting Synclaire she should have given her a timeframe for finding a real job. Because she didn’t do this, Synclaire had no intentions on leaving Flavor and to make matters worse, her Flavor income pays her portion of the rent.

Unlike friends, you’re stuck and always attached to family so it isn’t wise to bail them out and offer them a stake in your empire. I would suggest guiding them in a direction that doesn’t compromise your relationship; it just isn’t worth the headache.

Have you ever mixed your business with your family?

I knew that times were hard but it seems I’m not the only lonely woman in the building.  On her way out for a coffee run, Synclaire dropped a bomb–Max, a Black educated and well-paid lawyer, was having problems finding a man.  Just a week ago, I talked to my cousin in Atlanta and she said that women outnumber men 20 to 1 down there.  Now I know for sure that the world is facing a testosterone recession.  

On one of my many breaks at Flavor, I caught the copier guy in action and asked him what he thought about the situation.  From what he said, women get the attention of guys all of the time, it’s just not the attention that they want.  I guess he has a point; there is the guy with the gold teeth and jherri curl who offers to take me out for lunch daily and my neighbor who bought me an extra bucket of chicken one day from his job at Popeye’s.  But like he said, it’s not what I’m looking for and I can imagine it’s not what Max is looking for, either.

I want a man who’s not too tall, not too short, not too rich, not too poor, not too nerdy, not too ignorant, not too much of a player but not too corny.  There, that isn’t a lot.  Is it?

Is it wrong to want everything on my list?  I put a lot into my upkeep and I want someone that equals all of my hard work.  However, I realize that the older I get, maybe some of that stuff will have to drop in importance.  Maybe if he’s faithful and considerate I’ll have to overlook the fact that he only comes to my belly button.  Maybe not.

If there’s anything that seems clear, it’s that if a well-paid lawyer is in the same boat as my clock-punching self, by any means necessary I may have to out cook her and eighteen other women to get the man of my dreams.

Are you having a hard time finding a man?

My girls and I have list of rules that apply to all situations with men. One rule, specifically rule #11 is “They all come back.” It’s inevitable…ex-boyfriends ALWAYS come back, and the question is what are you going to do when they show up!

When Greg called Max after they had been broken up for more than a year, Max didn’t know how to handle it. Sinclair was sure he wanted to get back with her. Khadijah thought that he had put her through so much that she shouldn’t even call him back. Well, Max called…and ended up having dinner with him and his FIANCE!! Definitely not the ideal meeting with an ex!

So, what do you do when an ex finally calls? I think it totally depends on what happened in your relationship and how much time has passed. There is a chance that the person wants to get back together or at least explore the possibilities, but there is even more of a chance that your ex wants to be friends. Most men think that it’s cool to be friends with their ex’s…even though women don’t like it when they really liked the guy.

I’ve been getting a lot of calls from ex’s lately…I honestly think it’s a sign from God that my husband is coming! Anyway, it’s been a little stressful to say the least! I got a call from an ex a few weeks ago. We had broken up about a year ago…and I really liked him, but he broke up with me on a TEXT MESSAGE, can you believe it?!!! I never wrote him back because I didn’t think I needed to honor him with a response. I finally ended up speaking to him and agreeing to go to dinner. He picked me up in a new 750, had gained about 20 lbs of muscle and looked far better than I remembered! Then, as we ate dinner, he began to talk about his new girlfriend…and followed with asking when we could get together. Huh?! I thought he must have been on the pipe, and told him we weren’t friends, and were not hanging out as long as he has a girlfriend. I would have been much better off if I hadn’t agreed to go out with him…I knew I should have just let it go!!! .

It’s really tough dealing with ex’s. I know people that have broken up, gotten back together, and eventually got married…so in some situations, the ex calling may be a good thing. I suggest having a phone conversation in advance of meeting to ask what they want to meet about…and then making a decision based on that if you want to go our not. I think the key is also not having any expectations if you do agree to go out…because you may just get LET DOWN!!!!!

I was chillin’ at my desk last week writing this column that you know you love, and Regine pops in with a little girl…shopping bags, sun shades, and all…looking like a mini-Regine! Come to find out that’s her man’s daughter…and Regine was spending time “bonding” with her, as most women do when they are dating a man with kids.

When you hit a certain age, it’s almost a GIVEN that most men are going to either be divorced, have kids, or both.  If you don’t want to date a man that’s divorced or has kids, you’ll probably be living single forever.  So, what’s up with dating men with kids?  Is it cool or a chemistry killer?
 
I don’t like the idea of dating a man with kids, but if you like the man and he happens to have kids, the idea is that you have to weigh all of his good traits with the baggage factor and go from there.  Sometimes its worth it, and sometimes its not!  Also, I have always thought that the dynamics of dating a man with kids are just crazy!  If you like the guy, he has to be a good brotha…but if he’s a good brotha, he should put his child first.  Problem is, if he puts the child first, he can’t put YOU first. It’s something that a woman has to think about in advance.
 
Also, it’s very awkward to develop a relationship with a man’s child, and then when you break up with the man, you have to cease your relationship with the child.  It’s really unfair to you and the child if that happens.
 
I have dated a few men with kids, and none of the experiences were good.  One guy had 2 sons and they lived with their Mom in another state, so it initially wasn’t really something I had to deal with.  Once they moved back to the state, their father wanted me to meet them and I refused.  I had decided that I didn’t want to develop a relationship with them because it would have hurt me too much if I broke up with their father, which happened three months later.
 
I also dated a guy that had a daughter and had never been married to their mother.  When she came to visit and bring the child from out of state, the guy requested that I not call the house…which was a clear sign to me that there was something going on with him and the mother.  We were broken up not long after.  I guess it’s true what they say about men always sleeping with their baby’s momma!
 
Well, Regine seems happy.  She decided she wasn’t down with playing the mommy role, but she is still dating the guy and has decided that she wants to have kids even though she HATED kids before!!  As for me, I’ll have to deal with each situation on a case by case basis…either I’ll think the guy has so many good qualities that I’ll be willing to deal with the fact that he has kids, or I’ll be so old that I’ll have to deal with it.  It’s probably the same for you, girl!

Times are tough all the way around and everyone is low on money but I didn’t know my job was in jeopardy! Turns out Flavor magazine was strapped for cash and Khadijah James, the woman who signs my checks, was looking for a hand-out. As an employee I say, “get that money any way you know!” but as a relationship columnist I know borrowing money is tough so I understand why Khadijah did NOT want to ask her friends for help. However, once Max found out, she insisted that Khadijah take the loan.  Khadijah had mixed emotions about accepting the loan and it certainly put a strain on their friendship.

Khadijah, I feel ya. Borrowing from a friend is VERY tricky, primarily because you put your friendship at risk and you have to ask yourself “Is it worth my friendship?”

So, what are the rules when exchanging money with friends?  Some simply won’t do it…and others do it frequently and have a host of horror stories!  I don’t loan friends money unless I can live without ever getting that money back.  As a friend, I don’t want to think that I will have to ask my friend to pay me back, especially when I know that their financial situation is a strained one.  Actually, you should never have to ask for it back because if they are a good friend, they will pay it back.  Max even said she never expected her money back from Khadijah!

If you ask a friend if you can borrow some money, you better know that you will be able to pay them back at some point, and it is wise to be honest with them about when that may be possible.  If you borrow money and never pay it back, you will have ruined a friendship.  If you don’t know when you can pay them back, it’s probably best not to borrow from your friend.  I would borrow from family, because if you don’t pay them back then they can’t get rid of you!!!  Borrowing money is not worth your friendship…a true friend is priceless!!!

QUESTION: Have you ever lent a friend money? Was it a mistake?

You know, sitting by Synclaire I get all the gossip!  How about Max is now dating Regine’s ex-boyfriend?  Regine was dating him, decided she really didn’t like him and dumped him.  Max asked if he was fair game and if Regine would be okay if Max called him. Regine said “yes.”  Since then, Regine has become VERY angry about the situation…she has said everything from Max stole her man to Max is eating her leftover scraps!  Either way, she’s angry and jealous and wishes she never gave her permission!

So what’s the protocol with dating your girlfriend’s ex?  Most good girlfriends have an unwritten rule that if your girlfriend dated him, you can’t without her permission.  I’m a serious loyalist, and I take that one step further.  If my girlfriends even LIKED the boy, I am not dating him without her permission. And if she actually dated him, I’d probably just let it go totally! 

Of course there are a lot of considerations that need to be taken into account before even deciding if you’re even gonna ask for permission.  How long did they date?  Was your girlfriend really into him?  Who broke up with whom (this is a biggie!)?  Did they have an intimate relationship?  And so on…

Once you decide to ask and your girlfriend gives you permission (like Regine gave Max) you really have to make a final determination as to whether or not you are going to move forward.  Not trying to be stank, but has any man been worth more than your girlfriend?  I’m not talking acquaintance here…I’m talking about the girlfriend that has wiped your eyes when you cried and supported you when no one else was there!  If you’ve dated countless men and only have a few close girlfriends, I suggest you let it RIDE.  He’s not worth it!!!!

I think Max was right for asking Regine for permission, and Regine was wrong for giving it to her if she really didn’t want her dating the guy.  But, on the other hand, Max should have known that her girl may say “yes” and really mean “no”…women don’t always say what they mean…especially when it comes to men!   So, if you DO date the man, be prepared to possibly lose your friend.  If that man turns out to be anything other than your husband, you’ve probably damaged a friendship even if your girl acts like it’s cool.  Trust me, it’s not!!!

Question: Have you ever dated one of your friend’s exes? Was there any drama?

This is Tru Blue coming to you again from NYC, the office of Flavor Magazine to be exact…still dealing with the drama of the single life! So what happens when you are living single and fabulous, and cross the line with a guy that’s JUST A FRIEND?! Ask Khadijah, my boss! She just got with her childhood friend Terrence, or “Scooter” as she affectionately calls him…and everyone in the office is awaiting the outcome! Will this destroy their friendship?!

Every woman feels like she wants to date a man that is a combination of her prince charming and her best friend. Someone that is fine, has a career, and treats you like a lady…but also is emotionally connected to you and cares about you like your friends do. What better person to date then than a man that is your FRIEND?! It’s the best of both worlds! He could be your soulmate!

So let’s assume that you date your friend, and it’s the best relationship ever, and you get married. That’s the ideal….but what happens if you have sex with your friend and the sex is horrible? What happens when the relationship ends? Can you just go back to being friends? Hell no! It will NEVER happen that way. After you have kissed your friend and possibly seen your friend naked the game has changed! How are you going to feel when he’s dating someone else? How is he going to feel when you’re dating? It’s just plain complicated and something that I wouldn’t want to deal with.

Let’s weigh our options here…date your best friend and possibly find your soulmate…or date your best friend and end up with NO FRIEND. What’s a girl to do? Khadijah decided to pump the breaks a bit after she and Scooter crossed the line, and I think that was smart. Has this affected their friendship? Of course…and it will never be exactly the same again.

QUESTION: Can you date your best friend, break-up and be friends again?